[Link] Honi Soit: We (can’t) exist

andrewgarfieldcriesinmirrorsuchshockmuchfeeling

Honi Soit: We (can’t) exist

So this week I wrote about Arcade Fire’s new music video for Honi Soit.

It’s somewhat fitting, but mostly just ironic, that the first piece I wrote this semester was about a woman who made the world listen to her story, and how that made me feel a bit less alone–and the last piece I write is about what happens when someone doesn’t get to tell their own story, or people don’t get to see someone like them telling that story.

I think people don’t realise what seeing a reflection of yourself in popular culture does. For a lot of people it’s not something they need to think about, because the reflections are readily available in everything they consume–but for me,¬†Transgender Dysphoria Blues¬†was half the reason I was even able to come out to my family. It was like someone reaching out a hand and saying, hey, you’re okay. It’s alright to feel that angry.

And I look at this video now and I don’t feel like someone thinks I’m okay. I feel like someone thinks I’m an interesting dinner party anecdote. I feel like someone thinks I’m a cause, or an “experience”. I don’t feel like a human being.

Since I finished writing this article I’ve thought a lot about it. It’s not something that’s easy to pin down an opinion on, and so I keep finding more things to say about it. I keep looking at the picture above–Andrew Garfield’s face as the character just crumbles, the way their body twists in on itself–and I¬†know how many times I’ve seen that exact look on my own face in the mirror. It’s such a helpless moment, but its indescribably, palpably real.¬†In a lot of ways I’m glad I got to see that moment.

But it doesn’t quite feel the same as that hand reaching out. If anything, it’s more of a slap in the face because Garfield gets to¬†leave. He can drop the character and take off the costume and go home, no strings attached. Seeing him engage in that emotion¬†feels more like a taunt than anything else.

Anyway, this was just supposed to be a quick link. I think I’m just done with editing out how I feel.

 

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